Confused about why you keep getting declined on your invitations to have friends, family members or a certain significant other stay at your place for the night? Getting turned down again and again might start to give you a bit of a complex, but more than likely, it's not you--it's them!
No, really! Being a house guest is the absolute worst for a lot of reasons, including:
Rationally, we all know that everyone poos. It's a fact of life that we accept; however, none of us want to provide evidence of our pooping habit to our hosts and hostesses. All too often, though, bunged up loos and digestive distress give away our shitty little secret. Try finishing out the rest of the week after you're host has been elbow up in your waste plunging the toilet!
You love your pet, so you don't bat an eye when the cat gets up on the counter and licks a saucer to get some cream or when your dog sticks his snout in the middle of your crotch. Imagine, though, if you went to someone's house and their 3-year-old suddenly smashed his face against your bum or the man of the house got up on the counter and started licking all the silverware waiting to be cleaned. That's pretty much the experience that other people have when your pets perform those behaviours that you take for granted.
When you're a house guest, you will only ever get one of two types of coffee cups with breakfast. First, there's the ones that are horrendously stained to the person who doesn't look at them every day. You shudder to think what left those marks behind. Coffee isn't that dark… is it? The second type is the awkward novelty mug, no big strapping gent wants to be seen sipping from the white porcelain cup with a kitten hanging from a branch, and no sophisticated lady wants to drink from the "I Love Knockers" mug her host got for his Bachelor Party 10 years ago (unless of course they were bought from Now Laugh Shop :P - in which case that's historical).
No really, what the Hell is that? It's a spot. It's right there. You didn't see it because anything that's on that sheet is likely to be yours or some close family members. But to us? The best that we can hope for is that it's a spot from laundry detergent. More than likely, though, it's remnants from a part of a person that we hoped to never ever encounter, let alone sleep on top of.
On a normal day we happily eat 3 times with maybe a few little snacks in between. But when we stay over something really bizarre happens, our stomach turns in on itself and our desire to eat everything in sight overwhelms us. The problem? It doesn't matter how polite you think you are as a host, we are not comfortable enough to help ourselves, we just won't do it and in the meantime a monster is growing inside us.
You see most of the time the fear isn't visiting you or staying over, it's leaving that's the problem. The awful truth is that we are probably only staying over to save on a hotel room. Sure we love having a little catch up with you but really we want to crack on with our holiday - without you! So thanks for the room but we have to be off now.
So, if you really want to be a good family member or friend, help that out-of-town visitor secure lodging in the area. If they're local, stop the madness and accept that the only place anyone really wants to sleep at night is in their own bed with their own mystery stained sheets!
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