Public Transport is a great way to get around, with more and more public transport routes across the UK than ever before. As of Saturday 12 September 2015, Londoners and tourists to the Capital will be able to travel on the Jubilee, Victoria and most of the Piccadilly, Central and Northern Tube lines all night on Fridays and Saturdays. And with Mega Bus offering services from just £1 from London to Manchester, Birmingham and Newcastle - Public transport can be the cheapest and easiest form of transport available.
The Problem? - It's the public! Having your already restricted seating area invaded by some common cheap nasty peasant that decides out of all the seats available they are going to sit next to you!
It's OK though, here are 8 ways to ensure that the seat next to you remains free, just pick any one of the below and you'll be enjoying the wonders of cattle class all to yourself:
No-one wants to sit next to some who reeks of shit for 8 hours. Yes we know it may cause you slight embarrassment with everyone around you thinking you're not in control of your bowel movements but what's worse? Randomers that you'll never see again judging you or 8 hours of torture. Bring your stink bombs, eat your brussels and open your gym bag, this is a great weapon against space invaders.
Arghh we hate this prick and it almost kills us to suggest mimicking him, however this jerks despise can be your saving grace. Pick up your phone, scroll through your contacts and randomly choose an unwilling victim to boast your most arrogant life story. This will keep everyone at arms length.
The great thing with this one is it's a win-win situation. You may have to try and sneak your stinky food past the driver but once you're on, you're home free. It's no secret that all the best foods stink; curry, garlic, kebabs, Chinese, the list is endless - so you get to have a delicious meal and everyone will choose to sit as far away from you as possible. Sorted.
This one requires a little bit of acting. OK we not proud to say this, but you may have to pretend to be a little bit crazy. How ever far you want to take this is totally up to you, if you just want to ensure the seat next to you is free then a quiet continuous mumble to yourself should do the trick, most people will think you're a little bit mad but in general totally harmless. Beware, every now and then you will get the "do-gooder" who will challenge the faux pas, they will think they are doing a good deed by sitting next to you. God we hate these pricks. You now have two choices;
Option 1: Feel terribly guilty you are impersonating a mentally ill person and this kind soul has chosen sat next to you despite you obviously having a screw loose. Phase out your mumbling and then endure hours upon hours of shame.
Option 2: Turn it up a notch, don't let this do-gooder win, add some random loud swear words, look intensely angry and do all in your power to stop this jackass sitting next to you. The bonus about option 2 is that you will not only have a free seat, you may even also have a free coach - whoop! whoop!
This one is perfect for those who have the balls to act but not the skills. Without saying a word just think of the single most annoying thing you hate in the world that pisses you off more than life (an ex, the in-laws, price of a lottery ticket) and just apply that hatred through your eyes. Trust us, no one will want to sit next to you.
Note: If you can combine The Mumbler you are onto a winner and perhaps even an Oscar.
This is another prick we really bloody hate, but if you can't beat them join them right? Everyone on the entire bus, coach, train, plane, city and world will hate you. But why should you give a shit? You have two seats to yourself and enjoying life!
Caution! Every now and then a hero comes along. This is the guy who could potentially ruin your existence, so be careful. Sometimes the hero is a 6ft 6 muscle jock but more often than not, it's one of those bloody liberal do-gooders forcing their equality views on the rest of us, sometimes they are polite and say "Hi can I sit there?" or worse they will make a smart ass comment such as "oh sorry is your bag more important than a human?" - firstly, human no, you Yes! But this scenario can be avoided by taking dickheadism to the next level;
- Place your bag on the window seat,
- Sit on the aisle seat,
- Enter headphones,
- Pretend to be asleep.
If that still fails and 'Bloody liberal do-gooder' still has the nerve to tap you on the shoulder and wake you up, politely explain that you are holding the seat for your 93yr old grandma that's due on the next stop. If required add worried fake phone call to mother when grandma doesn't show up.
This one requires props.
OK so most of the above have a very high chance of ensuring your seat remains free, however they all come with risk, there is always going to be that one asshole who rebels against the norm and is defiant they'll sit next to you no matter how stinky you are, no matter how rude, mental or disturbed you come across. But if all else fails and you really, really desire a free seat then as a last resort we give you "The Welcomer".
It's simple; as someone approaches your seat, turn to the, look up, engage eye contact, put the biggest smile on your face that is humanely possible and gently pat the free seat.
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