Children are one of life's special joys. In moderation. No one wants to be the gent or lady who is secretly annoying the shit out of everyone they know by yammering on about their kids incessantly. Afraid you might be guilty of this social faux pas? Ask yourself these questions to find out for sure. Give yourself a point for every yes and extra points as instructed.
1. Have you ever described one of your child's bodily fluids to another adult apart from a medical professional? Add 50 extra points if said bodily fluid was poo.
2. Do you find yourself interrupting other people's stories about their children? Add 5 extra points if you purposefully try to make your child sound smarter, funnier, more creative or more anything else than the other kid.
3. When someone asks how your child is in passing, do you take out your phone and show more than 2 photos of him or her? Add 10 points if you've ever been late for something because of the number of photos you've shown.
4. Do random members of the community know your children's names even though they've never met them? Examples of random community members include bus drivers, baristas and the dustman.
5. Has anyone ever tried to tell you that you've told a story about your child before while you're in the midst of telling it? Add 2 points if you continue to tell it anyway. Add 10 points if the other person groaned when they said it. Add 50 if they walked away.
6. Have you ever told a stranger in an elevator something about your child when he or she was not with you? Add 20 points if you purposefully missed your floor to finish telling said stranger the wonderful anecdote.
7. Could anyone in your office say for certain what your child had for dinner last night? What you packed in his or her lunch today? What he or she had for breakfast?
8. When someone asks how are you, do you provide an answer that has something to do with your child rather than just saying "Fine" or "Good" like the person expects?
9. Does your partner/spouse/baby daddy/baby mama ever say, let's do something other than talk about the kids? Add 50 points if this phrase has ever been uttered to you in bed. Add 100 points if you were naked at the time.
If you scored more than 3 on this quiz, there's a good chance that everyone secretly dreads hearing stories about your offspring.
Look, it's wonderful that you love your children, and it's lovely that you think everything they do is adorable, noteworthy and delightfully precocious; however, it might just be that you're a bit biased considering that half of them is made up of your DNA.
It might be hard to break yourself of the habit of over-sharing, so take your time. Try limiting mentions of your children to 10 times a day, then cut back to 5, then 4 and so on.
And when you're experiencing withdrawal, just give Nana a call. She'll never tire of hearing about your little darlings!