Dear Mrs. Foster,
I'm sure you hear all kinds of excuses from kids who don't have their homework, and I can tell you're a VERY smart lady, so I'm sure that you can easily see through all of them. That's why I'm sure you're going to roll your eyes the moment you see the reason why I'm turning in this note instead of my assignment. You're going to be skeptical, and I don't blame you. If some kid told me what I was about to tell you, I'd call him a liar! But I swear on...liver and onions and going to the dentist...that it's the truth!
You see, I did have my essay all finished. It was typed up. It was printed in Times New Roman 12 Point font with 1-inch margins and double spacing. I remembered to type my name at the top and put the date and the period and your name all in the perfect places. Every sentence was punctuated. My indentations were perfectly indented. There wasn't a single forgotten capital letter at a sentence start or on a proper noun.
I was so proud, Mrs. Foster! My parents were, too! In fact, Mum said she was so proud she was going to buy me a brand new bike.
And then Dad said, "Why stop at one? Let's buy Billy two!"
I smiled, and shook my head. "Learning is my only reward, Father, dearest!" I told him.
My essay was then placed on the kitchen table where it would be ready for me to take to school with me this morning. I went to bed promptly at my bedtime after a bath that involved carefully cleaning behind my ears AND between my toes. I woke up refreshed and went downstairs for breakfast.
That's when it happened. My annoying little brother had been given our dog, Cujo, bacon under the table. Sadly, he got to his last piece, but Cujo was still hungry.
BOOM! BOOM! Cujo started throwing himself against the table leg demanding bacon. But, alas, all of our bacon had been eaten. Cujo wouldn't relent. He continued his assault on the table until finally with one hard BOOM, he sent my essay wafting through the air.
I sat there frozen, looking on in horror as Cujo mistook my perfect, certainly-deserving-of-an-A-grade essay and ate it all up. Frantic, I ran for the flash drive I had saved on, but I was going too fast and I tripped. The flash drive fell and Cujo ate that, too.
So all I have to show for my hard work is a bruise on my knee (don't ask to see it please...it's a well known fact that a bruise isn't visible under fluorescent lighting) and my desperate plea that you excuse me from the essay assignment.
Please consider. I don't ask for myself but for the future of mankind, as a failing grade could one day keep me from being elected to public office and ushering in world peace.
P.S. After all of the trauma, I'm concerned I might not be able to do my homework for the rest of the week. Please consider giving me a homework pass due to my extreme pain and suffering.
P.P.S. I also had an apple to go with this letter to give to you to show you how sorry I am to not have my homework. My dog ate that, too. He is a menace, Mrs. Foster.
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