People joke a lot about midlife crises, but they're very, VERY real. Many a grown adult have ended up making a jackass out of themselves when being faced with the prospect of their own mortality. The worst part is that you're usually the last one to know when you're in the midst of a midlife crisis. So, we're here to help you!
Give yourself one point for any of the following that applies to you:
1. You have approached a group of people in their 20s in a pub or nightclub and tried to convince them how down you were with the Facebook and the Interwebz.
2. You have started dyeing your hair. Give yourself an extra point if the colour is blue, pink, green, yellow or another colour that’s far from your natural hue.
3. You have started saying things like "Age is a state of mind" and "I'm like a fine wine" when people ask your age. Then, you laugh in a way that sounds like you might cry. Sometimes you actually do cry.
4. You have taken up an extreme sport. Give yourself an extra point if anyone has warned you that you might "break a hip" doing said sport.
5. You have purchased more than one product that claims to be "The Fountain of Youth." Add 10 points if said product had anything to do with your colon. You're seriously in a crisis if you're willing to cleanse your colon to be younger.
6. You recently made an out of hand purchase, add a point for each of the following: A motorcycle. A bathing suit from the juniors or young adults department. Anything that a 20-something sales clerk told you was cool. Something endorsed by any Kardashian besides Kris.
7. You have begun reading the obituaries to see if any of your classmates have died.
Even knowing that the ones you hated have passed makes you cry.
8. You have compared a recent selfie with an old photograph to see if your hair is receding or you have more wrinkles or both.
9. You have heard a song on an oldies station and then loudly insisted that the song wasn't an oldie...only to realise it's now more than 15 years old.
10. You have scheduled an appointment to talk to a plastic surgeon or a hair transplant surgeon. Add five points if you actually kept the appointment. Add 10 if your surgery is scheduled for next week.
If you've scored more than one point, you are likely having a mid-life crisis. Don't panic, that'll just make things worse. Instead, come to terms with the fact that you are no longer as young as you once were. Relish in the fact that your time to complete your life's goals is dwindling. That one day you will become food for worms or a very lovely decoration on someone's mantel.
Or, you know... just go buy a sports car and drive it as fast as you can. Maybe you can outrun the Grim Reaper! You never know.