That question is usually asked with so much enthusiasm. The excitement and anticipation in their eyes and in their tone is contagious. The idea sounds amazing. A picnic? What fun? Hell yes, I want to go!You envision some splendid meal enjoyed on some beautiful pastoral landscape. It will be the perfect day, you think. A day you'll treasure for all time! One for the ages!But then what happens?
You end up having a shitty time, throwing up your hands and saying, this is it! This is the last picnic I will ever go on, so help me God!
And do you know why?
Because picnics are simply awful. They just are. It doesn't matter who you go with. It doesn't matter where you go. If it's a picnic, it's going to be terrible. You should know better than to agree to go. You should run in the opposite direction the moment the word picnic is mentioned. Maybe you should even give the other person a shake when they suggest it and say, "My GOD! What is wrong with you to suggest such a thing?!?"
We've put together this list to help you remember to stay strong and just say no to picnics, so you can respond correctly. Picnics are awful because:
They make no sense. Why make food that you can eat at home but wrap it up to take somewhere else? Would you make lasagna to eat on your neighbour's lawn? Whip up some roast beef to eat on a street corner? What's the purpose?
It takes way too long to get everything ready. Packing a picnic basket is a pain in the ass. You have to find ways to keep some cold food. Other food you don't want to get cold so you have to try and keep it away from the ice pack. You have to make sure that nothing leaks. You need to find a way to keep it fresh. It's so much pressure!
There are bugs, many, many bugs. You know why ants try to get into your kitchen? Because they want your food. Having a picnic is like giving the ants pizza delivery, and you can be sure the whole colony will come crawling for a taste.
It is going to rain. Trust us. Don't let the bastard sun fool you. As soon as you have all of the food that it took you 3 hours to pack spread out on your filth-ridden blanket, it's going to disappear and it's going to pour.
You don't even get to have good food. Yay, a sausage roll and some stale crackers! What a gourmet feast!
We're not even sure why people recommend going on picnics at all. Maybe they’re just sadistic. Maybe they have some weird disorder where they find the worst things ever to be fun. Maybe they hate us and want to make our lives a living hell. Or maybe they just need to read this article and come to their senses!
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