You haven't seen her in ages. She spots you immediately and heads toward you with a smile on her face. She's happy to see you. Her greeting is warm. She reaches for you. You embrace, and then it happens. Your lips meet for a kiss.
Sounds perfect, yeah?
Except "she" is your Auntie Gertrude. And she isn't just content to give you one awkward kiss square on the mouth. Oh, no no! You might get treated to a flurry of excited, frantic kisses while she declares how happy she is to see you. Who knows how she decides how many to give?
Maybe you get one for every six months that have passed since she kissed you last? Probably not, though, because you know you'll get more before you leave the wedding, the holiday gathering or whatever horrible family get-together you're attending.
While it's creepy enough that Kiss on the Lips Auntie is kissing you on the lips, it's even worse when you realise that she's pulling this shit on everyone else. She'll kiss the girl you brought with you! The lads at the kids table. The pizza delivery man. The vicar. Anyone who comes near this woman is getting a kiss on the lips.
Not only does this mean that Kiss on the Lips Auntie is either a wanton whore or in desperate need of a shag, but it also means that she's just spread the mouth germs of every other poor bastard that she's kissed since she arrived wherever you are right to you.
So what can be done about Kiss on the Lips Auntie? Here are a few ways you can try to evade the kiss:
Tell her it's for her own safety. Explain it's a form of herpes. Point at your lip quickly when she asks where and then quickly act embarrassed and flee.
Maybe the kind that you see people in Asia wearing to avoid the flu. Or maybe the mask from Scream. That one might get Let Me Tell You Horrible Long Stories About My Bunions Uncle away from you too. Two burns with one stone!
When she leans in to kiss, just duck out of the way. Act like it was an accident. Keep doing it every time she tries. Crawl away on the floor if you have to.
Bend down to tie your shoe. Stay down there for as long as necessary. Tie other people's shoes if needed. Be aware that the top of your head might get kissed in this scenario. Buy extra strength shampoo just in case.
Of course, you could just accept it. Kiss on the Lips Auntie is just a harmless old lady. She'll be dead before you...unless she's just infected you with some terrible disease that she got from snogging strangers on the street. Then, maybe you can share a suite at the hospital while you both pass away quietly!
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