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Mystifying, Perplexing Things About the Friend With Bad Breath

Everybody gets bad breath from time to time. Maybe it happens when you get sinus drainage and you sleep with your mouth open. Maybe it happens after you drink a cup of coffee. Maybe it's onions that do you in, but ordinarily, bad breath is a short lived problem that is remedied by teeth brushing, a breath mint, gum or something of that nature.

But then there is the case of the chronic bad breath friend. You're already thinking of him or her, aren't you? The bad breath friend is a great person, but sadly, talking to them can be a trying experience due to the foul awfulness of their breath.

The bad breath friend is actually a rather curious character when you stop to think about it (hopefully far away from their breath). Here are some things we wonder about him or her:

1. Do they really not know their breath smells? Because can they not know.

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2. Can't they taste it? Ew.

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3. Are they secretly a sadist who gets off on making everyone else suffer by smelling their breath? Does it make them feel powerful?

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4. How does the bad breath friend always have an extremely hot significant other? How does said hot partner not notice the bad breath? Do they have bad breath, too? Is a fondness for bad breath maybe a kink that some people have similar to liking feet? Those can be pretty stinky, too!

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5. Why does it seem like the bad breath friend is always the one commenting on other people's hygiene and appearances? Is it a hipster thing? Do they have bad breath intentionally so they can be ironic?

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6. Would bad breath friend want to know that her breath smells? Would it be wrong to tell her?

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7. Why is it that if you offer a group of people gum or a mint, it's always bad breath friend that is the only one who says no? Are they allergic to breath fresheners? Is that what all of this is about?

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Could this be caused by a medical condition? If so, are you a terrible person for being bothered by it? Should you be ashamed of yourself? Is there some kind of foundation you can donate to in order to help people like this so you can stop feeling bad?

Why is it that bad breath havers always have positions of authority? Bosses and professors and teachers seem to be among the most frequent bad breath friends. Could power over others give you stinky breath? Does David Cameron's breath smell? Does Vladimir Putin's?

If you've made it to this point in the article and haven't figured out who your bad breath friend is, you are likely someone else's friend with bad breath. Someone had to tell you eventually. Your breath stinks. See a dentist or something. Buy a breath mint. And while you're at it, could you answer our questions for us--we're dying to know more about you!

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