Dear CEO, Customer Relations Manager or College Intern Who Has Opened This Letter,
I am writing to thank you for the delightful flight that I just enjoyed. I would tell you what city I arrived in, but unfortunately, after we were rerouted to 3 different cities because your state-of-the-art aircraft were all found to be experiencing problems, I'm no longer sure where I am.
I do know that instead of my luggage spinning on a carousel for me to retrieve it's sitting on a wooden bench and a goat is eating it, so I am fairly sure this is not Heathrow though perhaps the 9 hours of delays I experienced flying today was enough time for some major remodelling.
I do wish to thank you for giving me the opportunity to visit this lovely little hamlet that I never would have dreamed of discovering. I am sure to enjoy trying to find a place to rent a vehicle here and spending the rest of my evening driving to London.
Now, some might say that perhaps I should have driven in the first place and avoided all of this mess entirely, but to them I say not at all! If I had driven I would have missed out on so many delightful experiences flying with your airline today.
First, there was the hysterical stampede of bodies that charged the gate when your first-come, first-seated flight started to board. It was such a rush to suddenly have 150 people coming toward me all at once. I closed my eyes and imagined I was running with the bulls in Pamploma, which has always been one of my dreams.
I know some of my fellow passengers were a bit put off by all the pushing and shoving. They expected to walk calmly into the cabin and failed to appreciate the fact that entering your flight was like crowd-surfing at a heavy metal concern! And who doesn't love that?!? These negative travellers were going on about how you could just assign seats and be done with it.
But not me! No, I understand you. You like to keep things easy. And counting numbers and reading letters and looking at a ticket to find a place to seat? Now, that's hard. Plus, after experiencing your luxurious broken seat that would not recline, the light that flickered constantly and the air vent that either would not blow at all or that subjected me to gale-force winds, I trust that if you did, in fact, add seat numbers, they would all have fallen off by now or been rubbed away to the point where they just weren't legible.
The many flights I took today were all wonderful experiences of self discovery. I got to discover just how durable my elbow could be when hit with a drink cart on multiple occasions. I learned that I can fold my body nearly in half when the person in front of me (whose seat worked a little too well) suddenly was lying in my lap in full recline. I discovered that I can hold my bladder an exceptionally long time after discovering a loo that clearly was the scene of some grave bowel-related accident.
So in conclusion, today was certainly an experience unlike anything I've had before. There's much more I could tell you, but regrettably, I need to go for now and rescue my luggage from that hungry goat.
Mr Ferrow - Owner of a half eaten brown luggage bag somewhere
Yes, hate is a strong word, and it's a shame to have to use it because ..
You haven't seen her in ages. She spots you immediately and heads toward ..
People joke a lot about midlife crises, but they're very, VERY real. ..