Reasons to Never Be a Substitute Teacher

May 9, 2016 School , Teacher , Work , Business Sam Mealey

So you're a teacher who's been thinking about getting into substituting, eh? It seems like a fine idea on the surface. You get to go new places, not have to deal with crabby parents or be stuck with the same annoying coworkers and administrators each and every day. Your schedule can be up to you to fill in when you like, and you don't have to come up with all of the assignments and lesson plans on a consistent basis.

Yes, it's easy to see why so many are seduced into the evil that is substituting, but don't fall victim! Being a substitute teacher is truly one of the most shit things to have to do because:

1. Role call is a bloody nightmare.

Listen up people of reproductive age--you're naming your children bizarre shit, and this is making life miserable for the poor subs. And this has nothing to do with foreign names! A substitute can easily learn the phonetic pronunciation rules for names derived from other languages. No--this is directed at you witty parents naming your children series of consonants with no vowels like Zndr, household objects that you pronounce differently like "Chair" said "Kie-ear" and rubbish like that. Imagine being a sub trying to get through a roster with 20 children who all have these bizarre non-names. It can take half the damn day.

2. Children are shits.

Take a group of children who are complete and utter angels 364 days per year, have a substitute come in for one day and instantly, they all turn into mini Charles Mansons. They're throwing things. They're being sassy. They're putting things in his or her coffee cup! They're playing pranks...the poor substitutes end up being more like babysitters than educators.

3. Teachers are also shits.

Grownups in schools don't make it any easier on substitutes. Most of the time they have closer cliques than the students and sneer at the substitutes. Why? Because they're the permanent teachers who have to deal with this horrible little brats every day? Because they have a regular seat in the staff lounge? Why the attitude?

4. The pay is awful.

After having to choke out the syllables of nonsense words disguised as names, being tortured by children and being shunned by fellow educators, substitutes make a measly daily wage. Often, they have to travel far, too, so the cost of petrol or train or bus fare may eat up most of what they made. The lousy kids don't even give subs apples for their troubles!!

These are just some of the many, many, many, MANY reasons why any sane person would run in the other direction at the mere mention of taking a job as a substitute. But if you're in dire need of the money and don't have a choice, there are probably worse things you could be. We can't think of any right now, but there probably are!