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Brutally Sarcastic Hotel Complaint Letter

We all love a good holiday, and the key to a great holiday usually starts with a nice hotel. Unfortunately not all hotels end up meeting the expectations they set in their brochures or websites.

Like all true brits in a crisis, this couple does exactly what we all would - act polite, force ourselves to live in the shit hole for a week and then write a complain letter when we return home.

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Enjoy:

"Dear Esteemed Hotel Manager,

I am writing to thank you ever so much for the delightful stay that I had at your property last week. Never have I had such an experience in all of my life, and I am sure that my life is forever changed because of it. I really couldn't miss the opportunity to send you a quick message to tell you all about the remarkable time that I had staying with you.

First, I'd like to say that I could have spent my holiday anywhere, but the lure of your website was too great a pull. I couldn't wait to experience the peace and tranquility of your secluded country estate hotel once I read the description online. Now that I have experienced your hotel firsthand, I really must commend you on your website. Whoever your writer was has a true gift for fiction! He or she is surely destined for the best sellers list with an imagination that is so strong.

But to my actual stay--let's begin with my arrival. Although I was a little dismayed to see that the hotel I thought would be quiet and isolated was busier than Oxford Circus or Bond Street, I was relieved to find out that all of those people streaming through your doors were checking out. Hurriedly. And scanning the travel sites for alternate accommodations.

I suppose some people are just intimidated by lavish decor like green shag carpeting in the lobby! I imagine those eerie red stains in the stairwell and odd splatters on the wall are wasted on most. Few people appreciate horror couture-inspired abstract art. But not to worry--I was impressed. And terrified. Very terrified. I'm sure that's what you're going for.

My room completely defied my expectations and went beyond anything I could have dreamed of. I'm not sure how you managed to transform a coat closet into a bedroom and an en suite, but you did a stupendous job. I was very impressed with how I could touch both walls at one time and the fact that the bed was so close to the door that you couldn't open it all the way is a very effective security device. So much so that I didn't even miss the fact that my door didn't lock (that much).

The view out the window of the flashing purple neon light that says Vacancy was compelling. At night, I got to pretend that my coat closet room was a disco, which was rather fun. I also enjoyed your continental breakfast--it was thoughtful of you to only serve stale bread and rotten fruit as I had been worried about gaining weight while on holiday! Your other accommodations were equally amazing. When my eyes began to sting from the excessive chlorine levels, I knew it was time to take a rest, and the jump rope and single dumbbell in your gym provided me with an adequate 5 minute workout that I'm sure did wonders for my cardiovascular system.

All in all, I would recommend your hotel to anyone who would like the thrill of possibly being butchered in a coat closet while imagining themselves in the swankiest clubs a third world country might boast. You can be certain that if I ever wish to be grateful to have escaped somewhere alive and without a communicable disease, I will make a reservation at your charming resort post haste.

Sincerely,

XXXXX"

We don't know if they got a reply but an all night disco sounds fun!

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